On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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