His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
bring money and cleavage
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
