Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
