The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
