Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
