i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
