I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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