Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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