Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
