its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
