can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
