U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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