yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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