Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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