one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
