I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm too high and old for this...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
