Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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