I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
