Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
