I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
