The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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