This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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