I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
