she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
