my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
