I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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