I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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