I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
