Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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