I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
