My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
