So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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