They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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