i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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