I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
