I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
