very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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