I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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