In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
