Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
