wakey wakey hands off snakey
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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