What did we do last night that was yellow?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
