Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
