The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
