I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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