Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
