i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
