I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
