you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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