So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
