I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
