Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
