I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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