nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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