i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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