yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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