If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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